Why Am I Still Sick?!

There is a breaking point when you’ve realized you’ve done SO much healing- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, nervous system work, subconscious reprogramming, making big changes in your life, stepping outside of your comfort zone, etc. And all of these have helped tremendously in certain ways. You are a much more authentic version of yourself. AND you are still dealing with pretty debilitating physical issues.

What?! Isn’t this the formula to healing? Why isn’t it working?

I had to sit with this- and feel all the resistance that comes with it. I’ve done so much. And I’ve allowed myself periods of rest and integration in between. And I still feel so crappy. 

My first programmed instinct is to blame myself- what am I doing wrong? What aren’t I doing? Am I doing too much? Too little? 

But the truth is, I have become much more connected to my intuition over the past few years and only pursue treatments if they feel right. What if this isn’t something I’m doing wrong, and it’s not actually my fault?

I realized that I was using healing modalities as a way to force and control rather than as a way to support. 

All I can do is support my body by giving it whatever it needs in the moment- not creating a timeline of when I think I should be healed and freaking out every time it’s pushed back. 

I’m not still sick because I’m doing anything “wrong”- I’m still sick because my body needs more time to heal. 

And what I can continue to do is allow and feel the emotions coming up, be gentle with myself, be honest about my needs, and be better about asking for support- all of which have been difficult for me and which I am continuing to learn and practice. 

I know there is still more left to learn. 

And so I sit here, give myself a big hug, and let my body know that I’m on her side.