Breaking Old Patterns Around My Body and Health

I have an upcoming workshop in Portugal. The thought of going feels expansive, exciting, exhilarating. 

And terrifying.

Because the truth is, I have spent most of this past year apartment-bound, most days in bed. 

I have been making leaps and bounds in learning, personal growth, empowerment, setting boundaries, using my voice, becoming a more authentic version of myself. I LOVE this new version of me. 

AND my body has still been experiencing intense pain, fatigue, and other issues. 

I traveled a couple of times this year- pushing myself to extremes and only making it through the day on caffeine and adrenaline- parts of me feeling SO fulfilled from the excitement, fun, love, connection- and then my body totally crashing when I get home, taking months to recover. 

I want so badly to be able to go to this workshop. I know it will be healing for me in so many ways.

And it’s been challenging to be upright for periods of time, go out for a meal, even take a walk around the block some days. 

I sat with myself for a long time debating whether or not this trip feels doable. I spoke to my somatic trauma coach and one of my doctors. 

And I realized that if I do want to go on this trip, it needs to be different than any other trip I’ve gone on before. 

Past versions of me - pre-Lyme, pre-debilitating health issues- would have planned every second of every day- all the sites I want to see, all the meals I want to eat, all the fun, off-the-beaten-path experiences I want to have. 

These versions would have pushed through pain and fatigue, put on a happy face, and acted like everything is great (I’m a pro by now.)

These versions of me would have completely pretended to be fine and healthy during my workshop (which I successfully did earlier in the year) so no one knew how sick I actually was. They would have FOMO and make sure to participate in every activity at all times.

But this new version of me is viewing this trip in a completely different way. 

Instead of “How much can I do/see/participate in?” I am asking myself “How much can I identify, express, and honor my needs?”

Even writing that gives me anxiety. I have been programmed from a young age to show up at 100% capacity 100% of the time, no matter what. 

Most of the time I’m not sure what my needs even are. The thought of expressing them is terrifying. And honoring them feels “bad” or “wrong.”

I’m so good at helping others identify and speak their needs, and yet it’s still so difficult for me to do myself.

It’s a process. 

So this time I did not research or plan a single thing for the 6 days I am there before the workshop begins. I have zero expectations. I plan to rest in my air bnb as much as I need, even if it’s all day. I plan to ask my friends for support if I need it, because they are wonderful and know my situation. I already told the workshop leaders about my situation, and that I may need to rest and lay down and take breaks.

Writing this brings up lots of emotions, because I am so proud of myself for finally taking action to break these old patterns that have been active most of my life. 

I am now creating a new version of me. A new way to live where I am honoring my body and its needs, where I am putting myself first, being honest about my struggles- without worrying about being seen as “negative,” “complaining,” “weak",” “burdensome.” Being REAL in all of the shame, guilt, discomfort, difficulty. Asking for support from others. 

Taking off a mask and allowing myself to be truly me. 

It’s time.

And so it is.